Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Passing thoughts - 1 - Letting go

Loving somebody is maybe the most easiest of acts. There is no set rule to fall in love or raise up in love (whichever is your preference). You can like a person on first sight or gradually come to love them. You may love them because they are such an integral part of your life or because they make your yearn for something out of it. You may love them just because you are supposed to or because they were there at the right time. 

But its the letting go part that hurts so much. The very thought that we have to move on makes your heart cringe. Whenever I feel someone is trying to move away from me, I double up my efforts on keeping them close. Am sure most of you do that. It takes some time for me to breathe deep and tell myself, its ok. Its ok to let go from your side. 

If they are letting go of their end of the rope, then no matter how hard or fast you hold you can't pull them close again. It makes me think of all the reasons why would they want to leave me. It takes time to know that it doesn't matter what the reason is.

Later one day down the lane, you wake up to realize that you did move on. And no matter how hard you just cant remember the most intricate parts of their touch, voice or smile. Sometimes that hurts more, that we forgot the person so easily, whom we loved so fiercely. All that remains is ghost of their memories which doesn't even stir your heart.

But that's how we work. We lose the memory of non-recharged sensations. What is left are memories like long forgotten photographs of an age old album.

Just a thought

Thursday, 18 February 2016

Sorry, Please, Thank you.. Fading courtesies

From the time my dear son started talking I taught him how and when to say Please and Thank you. Had this big idea to create a polite environment for him to grow up to. But to my shame the other day, while I was busy in my own world and asked my son to get me a glass of water. Nor did I say please neither did I thank him for helping !.

Well thankfully a 5 year old doesn't keep grudges, he rather prefers to demand what he thinks is right. So he immediately said me "Amma, say thank you"

His tone and words did shock me, I was about to warn him to watch his tone, then I remembered, wasn't I the one who taught him to be polite, so doesn't he deserve the same courtesy and politeness from me. I immediately smiled and said thank you and for a good measure praised him for being helpful. 

But this got me thinking, in this fast growing, fast moving, instant world are we forgetting common courtesies in our life ??.

Now a days we are so lazy to even interact and talk in full sentences let alone showing patience to observe common courtesy.

Our parents have painstakingly ingrained some etiquette and courtesies in us while growing up. Which we gave up so easily in our busy lives. These small things sometimes matters more than big gestures.. 

So let me list out few courtesies of this generation.

1. The most basic one and which will not change for any generation, say Please and Thank you. And smile while saying it. It doesn't even take a second but the impact stays forever. 

2. When you are talking to someone face to face, don't keep checking your phone or texting someone else. While you are being efficient to someone else, you are ignoring the person who is sitting in front of you

3. Don't fight in public. No matter how hurt you are or how angry, that doesn't mean you should wash your dirty laundry in public. Talk to that person in private and resolve your issues. According to today's world I should say, Don't fight on social media, Facebook and Twitter is not the place to fight or even share personal differences. 

4. Be on Time. Punctuality not only saves your time, it shows that you value other's time too. I should say that there is no shortcuts to this courtesy, you have to just be on time. But in today's world I have to tell you to at least be polite enough to inform the person waiting that you are running late. But don't be late more than 20 mins from the appointed time. Being early is always preferred.

5. Turn your phone ringer off in movie theaters, dinner or while in reunion with friends. It is not only very annoying to hear a phone ring in movies, its also extremely rude to interrupt somebody's viewing for your convenience. But worst part is not only people keep their ring tones on, they actually answer it and talk (quite loudly).

6. Dont play your music on speaker while in public places. Not everybody wants to hear whats in your playlist or even radio. There are hundreds of different types of headphones available. Please use it.
7. When you stay at your friend's or relatives place, keep their place clean. Making the bed and folding blankets after sleeping, not disrupting their toiletries in bathrooms, not eating up all the snacks etc., is the least you can do in return for their hospitality.

8. Please don't cut the queue. I understand you are in hurry, but that shouldn't be an excuse to cut queue. If you in so much hurry you can ask permission to move forward but be polite and accept if they disagree.

9. After standing in a long queue when its your turn, please be ready. Whether its ATM line or a line to file application or even to buy food, people forget they are in line and don't keep their cards, papers or money ready until they are at the counter. As you have waited, people behind you are also waiting, don't waste yours and their time. 

10. Pay back borrowed money, no matter how small the amount it. Don't assume they don't need it and never make them ask for it.

11. Don't forget to return what you borrowed from anybody. May it be a book or  that movie.

12. When you are using other's phone or computer. Don't browse through their personal stuff, use it for what you asked and return it. Don't start flipping through their call lists, photos or folders. 

13. If you ask your friends or relatives to help you with some housework, feed them as a thank you. Don't send them away without atleast feeding them in appreciation.

14. If you are invited to lunch or dinner to somebody's home, after eating offer help to clean up. 

15. If you borrow somebody's car or bike, please make sure to fill up the petrol before returning. 

16. Please please don't break up with a friend or a loved one in text. Some issues deserve a face to face or atleast a call.

17. Taking selfie is super fun. But limit taking selfies while in a get together or office party or even a quite party with friends. Rather be in the moment and enjoy the company.

18. Don't encourage gossip about a friend. Be loyal and say you can't hear gossip about them because they are your good friends. If you do hear, don't pass on to someone else. 

19. Don't make your food habits someone's else headache. While having meal at some one's place, don't blatantly reject the food, at least taste it for their satisfaction (unless you are allergic to that food).

20. Appreciate your host's food and home. It means a lot to most.

And finally all the old classics apply here
  • Chew with your mouth closed
  •  Cover your mouth while sneezing or coughing (with left hand)
  • Wash hands after using restroom
  • If you bump into someone, say excuse me or sorry
  • Say thank you to anybody who is helping or serving you. From your grocer to that random autowala
  • Smile or wave in thank you to that person who leaves you way while in traffic. 

My parents taught me, don't treat someone in a way you don't like to be treated. The world out there is already cold and cruel, lets find little politeness in our hearts to spread. Your children will learn from you, if you want your child to be polite be their example.

P.S: The things I have listed is very basic, there are so many small courtesies to follow. It may look tedious but it will not only make you a better person but will also make the world around you a better place. 

Sunday, 14 February 2016

I Love being in Love ...

 According to Hatfield and Walster, people seem to experience two quite different forms of love - passionate love and compassionate love.. blah .. blah ,.. blah.. blah..... :)

Amidst all the scientific jargon people are now a days trying to explain to prove that love is an intense physical and chemical reaction in us. I still believe being in love. Rather let me say this, I love being in Love. 

I believe in love at first sight, second, third or even hundredth sight, I sigh at love stories, cry at romantic movies. I believe in the miracles and magic  and I still believe that if there is enough love in this world, we can achieve world peace. 

You might ask Why?. We are staying in the times where terrorism is common, hatred is normal, being jealous is justified and love is skeptical. Then why I am drawn into the magic of love. 

Because I believe that everyone of us is a closet romantic, person who tries to be cool by being aloof but is all marshmallow and candy inside. 

Oh I have had my phases of darkness and brooding, being sad and lonely. Until I realized that nobody is going to love me If I don't love myself. Oh don't get me wrong, I do hate myself for somethings, but ultimately I love myself :)

Many of us have a stigma that we don't love yourself unless we lose weight, get that dream job, unless someone we love approves of us etc., But that is the thing, love teaches to be unconditional, love yourself and others as they are. Nobody can love you as much as you love yourself but don't be a narcissist, love yourself but don't be blind to your misgivings. 

But this is an info blog so let me unravel some awesome effects of loving yourself. 

  1. We become responsible for our lives. Stop blaming others and start taking control, there may be hundreds of reasons for your sadness and difficult times. But who is stopping you from moving on from there to a better place. You. You are the reason for your happiness, the source of your love and power.
  2.  It will make you accept yourself. When you start accepting yourself, your sense of security increases. Your happiness will not be dependent on somebody else and their love. You are independent or to say dependent on yourself.
  3. The more love you have in you, the more you can love and accept others. When you think negative, showing positiveness is hypocrisy. Which will ultimately break you down with confusion and regret
  4. You will be at peace and calm inside. Which will help you process things faster, accept faster and move to next step faster
  5. You will smile more and you already know how good a good smile is 
  6. People around you will be much happier, because of your positive nature.
  7. You will connect with the world. We let go of loneliness and embrace the world with its people.
  8. You wont mind being alone and spending time with yourself. Loneliness doesn't hover in the horizon threatening to overwhelm you as soon as you are alone. 
  9. You wont be afraid to be vulnerable. You will accept mistakes and failures and try to learn from that. 
Among all these positive things, I can't finish this article without some warning

  1. In the spirit of loving yourself don't become a narcissistic snob. You are not the queen/king of the world. You are the ruler of your own world. Have that in mind.
  2. Love is all about only love. Don't use love yourself concept to degrade others and put them down. You can only raise as far as you help others to raise.
  3. Your love shouldn't blind yourself from your own shortcomings. No matter how much you love yourself, if you hurt somebody be strong enough to feel guilty and make amends. Love is humble not arrogant.
  4. Loving yourself completely doesn't mean that you have nothing to improve. There is always room for improving oneself. Recognize that and accept it.
  5. Loving yourself doesn't mean you love others less. If you truly love yourself you will recognize the love in others and it will just multiply. If your love is stopping that, then it is not love. 


  P.S: Go on hug yourself, admire yourself and let yourself know that you are worthy of love. 

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Head to toe - The signs you show - Part two

You can find the first part of this article here


Some of the popular gestures and actions are like this

The head position of a person can indicate what is the initial reaction of the person of what he is hearing. A neutral head position means neutral attitude, he has not decided either way. Where as when the head tilts to one side it shows that he is interested and if the head is down, it shows that the attitude is negative and even judgmental. 

A person who has a "know- it-all" attitude normally holds both his hands behind his head which is normally found to be irritating to others. This gesture is typical of professionals like lawyers, sales managers, bank managers etc. 

Hand on the hips pose is the most common gestures used by people to communicate an aggressive attitude. You can imagine your mom and dad often using this pose while telling you about your bad behaviour

When you lean against other people or objects, you are showing that you have a territorial claim to that object or person. But leaning is also used as a method of dominance or intimidation when the object being leaned on belongs to someone else.

For example : if you are taking a photograph of a friend and his his new car, home or other property, you will inevitably find that he leans against his newly acquired property, putting his foot on it etc. When he touches the property, it becomes an extension of his body and in this way he shows others that it belongs to him. 

When you are copying the gestures of the person with whom you are talking, it shows that you are in agreement with his ideas and attitude. You are non-verbally saying to the other "As you can see, I think the same as you, so I will copy your posture and gestures"

If you are attending an interview or meeting your employer etc, to create a relaxed environment ant to develop immediate rapport, you only need to copy that person's posture to achieve this. This will put them in a receptive and relaxed frame of mind, as they can "See" that you understand his point of view.

In many circumstances while we are deferring to another person's superiority we lower ourselves physically to show the submission. Historically, lowering the height of one's body in front of another person has been used as a means of establishing superior / subordinate relationships. 

This lowering the body gesture can at times get you out of sticky situations, because it non-verbally communicates that you are deferring to the other person's authority. If you are stopped by traffic policeman for breaking any rule. If you don't get out of your car and making the policeman lean down on you, you are creating a physical barrier of car in between you and making him lower himself where as in this circumstance, the police officer is obviously in a superior position to you. By doing this you are making things worse. 

Rather than that if you get immediately out of your car and go over, stoop your body over so that you are smaller in size, lower yourself by telling how foolish you were and by doing it raising his status. Additionally talking with you palms out to show you are being truthful, this is get you out of a sticky situation more than usual times. 

 People often try to control to show what they are actually feeling and most of the times they concentrate all their control on  facial expressions and hand gestures. But even the position or movement of feet can tell you the truth. Fidgeting while under stress or when they are nervous, tapping the foot, shuffle etc. Feet is relaxed when they are relieved of tension.

And also in a group the position of a feet can tell you where they are interested. If they are  having a impersonal conversation they will have a open triangular or loosely formed group where anybody is welcome to weight in. If they are talking something intimate their feet will point only towards the person they are communicating with and show that its closed conversation. 

The foot indicates the direction in which  a person would like to go, but they are also used to point at people who are interesting or attractive. 

There are also certain postures which will trick your mind to think something else. When you need a boost of confidence you can hold your body in expansive "high power" poses. That is leaning back with hands behind the head and feet up on a desk or standing with legs and arms stretched wide open. Even done for two minutes this stimulates higher levels of testosterone - the hormone linked to power and prominence.

To improve your speech, use your hands. Brain imaging has shown that a region called Broca's area, which is important for speech production is active not only when we are talking, but also when we wave our hands. So gesturing as we talk can actually power up our thinking. 

There is also a "super human pose" where you stand straight with legs apart, fists on  your hips and shoulders back with your head tilted up. Which will boost your confidence and make you  feel like you are superman and can do anything. Use this technique before taking a momentous work on your hands. 

To remember what that other person is talking don't cross your hands or legs while they are speaking, this open gesture will make your mind more receptive to accept other's thoughts.

This is just a tip of iceberg, if you constantly observe yourself and others you will understand the basic gestures and subtle differences in they body according to the circumstance. Know more about yourself by knowing what non verbal signals your body is emoting. 

P.S. Good luck reading others and yourself  :)

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Head to toe - The signs you show - Part one

Have you ever wondered why are we comfortable with certain people and we are not with some? Why we feel instinctively rejected out of a conversation or not accepted in a group? And lastly why do we never feel rejected and rather bold in the virtual world rather than in actual world?

Our communication is not only the words we speak, many unsaid communication with the spoken word together makes a complete communication. The tone of our voice, the gesture, the eyes, how our body moves, everything indicates what we want to communicate.

Body language is just that language of the body. If you think you show emotions only through your face well that's not true. Facial expressions are just a tip of the iceberg. Your entire body participates in the business of either showing or hiding your mental state. To control that display means you have to control your body's unconscious cues. Let me unravel a few mysteries of body language. 

Every person has a territorial zone, 6-18 inches is intimate zone, 18-48 inches (till about 1.22 meter) is personal zone, 4 to 12 feet is social zone. Standing too close to a acquaintance and too far away from the loved one during an important conversation can make them uncomfortable. Your intimate zone will be normally around 6 - 18 inches from your body. Remember this as in this zone a person will feel comfortable to let only family members or loved ones. You might be making someone feel uncomfortable or threatened if you enter this zone.

While talking the palm gestures you make can tell if you are dominant or submissive or arrogant and aggressive. Palm facing up normally suggests submissiveness, open and honest. Palm facing down is dominant, rigid and uncooperative.

 If you extend your hand for a shake palm facing up, that means you are greeting them by giving control to them. If your hand faces down, means you are taking control of the conversation. A neutral handshake where the palms of both are neither face down or up will make the other person feel comfortable because it shows you are greeting them as an equal. 

Interesting fact is some people often give a glove handshake where they shake the hand of a person with both hands, this is also called as politician's handshake where they are trying to convey that they are trustworthy but it gives an opposite effect. The receiver feels suspicious and cautious, so use this handshake only with the people you know well.     

One of the few gestures we carried to our adult from child is covering the mouth with hands while speaking. This gesture is a sub conscious effort to suppress the deceitful words that are being said. Sometimes it may only be a several fingers over the mouth or even a closed fist. Many people try to disguise this gesture by a fake cough, but the meaning remains the same that he is being dishonest. But, rather amusingly if he covers his mouth while you are speaking, it indicates that he thinks you are lying 

Crossing your hands is a very common gesture when a person is being defensive or negative. Commonly people use this when they are among strangers in public as they are feeling uncertain or insecure. This a unconscious gesture to guard themselves against anything.

But we may wonder how do politicians and salesmen cope as they are among strangers almost everyday. They have a disguised arm cross which is a highly sophisticated gestures like checking their cuffs, holding a file or an item across their body in a very casual way because they don't want their audience to know that they are nervous. 

Before you start to search for these gestures among your people, let me tell you that body language is instinctive to most part, if you keep analyzing every gesture you will miss out the most important part, THE WORDS. So don't go on body language analyzing spree, this just to let you know if you are unable to understand a person through his/her words or to understand the unspoken warnings of someone. Also so that you will understand if you are unconsciously making someone feel unwanted, rejected or uncomfortable.

Wait for the next part. 
(This means All OK) Courtesy : Google images

You can read the second part of this article here